Nation Finally Shitty Enough To Make Social Progress | The Onion. Another winner: Black Man Given Nation’s worst job.

Gov. Palin’s E-Mail Hacked | The Onion “I’m sure it won’t be long before they crack McCain’s elaborate system of cans and strings.” and, who are the “what do you think” people. via josh.

Obama’s Gmail Account hacked. Forget Palin’s yahoo account. god bless you Onion.

Diebold Accidentally Leaks Results Of 2008 Election Early | The Onion “if you can’t trust your shadowy overlords then what’s the point of living in a sham democracy?”. genius. via ram.

Do We Really Want Another Black President After The Events Of Deep Impact? | The Onion. President Morgan Freeman was a bit of a failure.

Patriots’ Season Perfect For Rest Of Nation | The Onion. ha.

TV Critics Admit To Never Having Watched The Wire | The Onion. i’m sure this is true. via josh.

o’mitchell report

Some of you might have heard about the Mitchell Report which came out yesterday and named a long list of baseball players connected with using performance enhancing drugs. I’m sure ESPN commentators have been crafting their dismay for months now and are climbing over each other for a chance to appear altruistic on Sports Center.

Seeing how many names were on the list made me think about how the Onion might report on such an event. Since they don’t have an article on the topic, I’ll take a stab at it:

Today, the less publicized “O’Mitchell Report” was released. Coming in at a stunning 1/4 page length, the report names the 3 major leaguers who were NOT using performance enhancing drugs during the 2007 season. The list includes the likes of former Tampa Bay outfielder Elijah Dukes and the Pirates’ Matt Kata.

Unlike Kata, who will be reporting to the Pirates AA affiliate in 2008 (the Altoona Curve in Altoona, PA), Dukes managed to be traded to the Washington Nationals for future unnamed prospects. Dukes, who spent the majority of last year being utterly dominated by juiced AL East pitchers, expressed mixed emotions after reading the O’Mitchell report. “Today I feel quite vindicated for my poor showing ‘07 but can’t help and wonder why my fellow teammates, some of whom I consider close friends, didn’t reach out and offer me these performance enhancing drugs when I was in such a slump”, said Dukes. He added, “Hopefully Washington will offer some better hook-ups. My wife and I are expecting our first child and I really can’t take the chance of getting sent back to the minors.”


Poll: Bullshit Is Most Important Issue For 2008 Voters

Yankees Decline Wild Card | The Onion “Please don’t patronize us with by making us the wild card. The New York Yankees aren’t wild cards. We’re the New York Yankees, for God’s sake.”

Thomas Friedman on the 9/11 rut that American is in. he even references the Onion in the piece.

Pitchfork Gives Music 6.8 | The Onion. “the popular medium that predates the written word shows promise but nonetheless “leaves the listener wanting more.”

The Internet Crash of 2007 - The Onion.

Pizza Hut’s New Pizza-Lover’s Pizza Topped With Smaller Pizzas | The Onion. and for a limited time, get a cup of melted cheese. via josh.

Apple Hard At Work Making iPhone Obsolete | The Onion
“When the second-generation iPhone comes out this fall, we want iPhone users to feel not just jealous, but downright foolish for owning such laughably primitive technology”

Sunday Magazine | The Onion. i can’t believe i’ve never seen these before. these fake magazine covers are genius.

Frito-Lay Angrily Introduces Line Of Healthy Snacks | The Onion. “eat ‘em up fuckers!”. this is laugh out loud funny.

WWE: Illegal Mexican Wrestlers Taking Smackdowns American Wrestlers Don’t Want | The Onion. this is the onion at it’s finest.

Fuck Everything, We’re Doing Five Blades. As some of you might have heard, Gillette recently launched a 5-blade razor completely forgoing the 4-blade paradigm. This is made all the more recockulous by the fact that The Onion predicted this 2 years ago in one of their best editorials ever.

“Are they the best a man can get? Fuck, no. Gillette is the best a man can get.”

Google Announces Plan To Destroy All Information It Can’t Index | The Onion. Just came across this article from a couple months ago at the Onion. “Thanks to Google Purge, you’ll never have to worry that your search has missed some obscure book, because that book will no longer exist”