Some of you might have heard about the Mitchell Report which came out yesterday and named a long list of baseball players connected with using performance enhancing drugs. I’m sure ESPN commentators have been crafting their dismay for months now and are climbing over each other for a chance to appear altruistic on Sports Center.
Seeing how many names were on the list made me think about how the Onion might report on such an event. Since they don’t have an article on the topic, I’ll take a stab at it:
Today, the less publicized “O’Mitchell Report” was released. Coming in at a stunning 1/4 page length, the report names the 3 major leaguers who were NOT using performance enhancing drugs during the 2007 season. The list includes the likes of former Tampa Bay outfielder Elijah Dukes and the Pirates’ Matt Kata.
Unlike Kata, who will be reporting to the Pirates AA affiliate in 2008 (the Altoona Curve in Altoona, PA), Dukes managed to be traded to the Washington Nationals for future unnamed prospects. Dukes, who spent the majority of last year being utterly dominated by juiced AL East pitchers, expressed mixed emotions after reading the O’Mitchell report. “Today I feel quite vindicated for my poor showing ‘07 but can’t help and wonder why my fellow teammates, some of whom I consider close friends, didn’t reach out and offer me these performance enhancing drugs when I was in such a slump”, said Dukes. He added, “Hopefully Washington will offer some better hook-ups. My wife and I are expecting our first child and I really can’t take the chance of getting sent back to the minors.”