At a mere 23 years of age my tender psyche had been privy to countless sights of gluttony and sheer mayhem. Amazingly, there was nothing in my tawdry past that could have prepared me for the onstage calamity that is White Cowbell Oklahoma. A band which I can only describe with the question: “What would happen if Lynard Skynard could be genetically fused with the Darkness?”. Having only heard of the band a few hours before the concert my only idea as to what would unfold was something which would involve rock music, red necks, and strippers. As it turned out, I would not be let down in any of those three categories.

Having attended the concert with possibly the two shortest people in attendance we made our way to front row center. This did not bode well for me because everyone I passed felt inclined to heckle me about my above-average height. (If for some reason you were actually in the audience and are now reading this: Yes, I was the freakishly tall guy in the front row, dead center. And I apologize, yet again). After a brief introduction by a very cranky “officer” of the Oklahoma highway patrol the stage at the El Macambo was overwhelmed by an 8 piece band which included four hillbilly’d guitarists, the sweatiest bass player ever, and a lead singer who resembled Hank Williams Jr with an affinity for black clothes and Steven Tyler-esque jump kicks. The band also included one member whose sole purpose was to play a large cowbell and use power tools on stage including a grinder (on the cowbell) with which he produced an inordinate amount of pyrotechnic effects. The band wasted no time before “rocking” as if humanity itself depended upon it. As pointed out by White Cowbell’s quasi-frontman “Clem”…

We have southern rock superpowers that most people aren’t privy to and don’t possess. We smoked some radioactive angel dust one time and we all developed all these superpowers

In my humble opinion, these southern rock superpowers reached a pinnacle during the performance of “Put the South in your Mouth” which included such inspirational lyrics as “go down south and put the south in your mouth, pretty lady”. And to state for the record, I couldn’t have possibly made this stuff up if I tried. Somehow, at this point, White Cowbell was only warming up and commenced the part of the show which could be best described as “sexaholic explosionation”.

First up was a good ole’ fashion strip show which ended in the very tasteful state of pasties. This was followed by the power tool guy returning to stage with a rather large gas powered chainsaw and some very large stuffed animals. As two of the band members held the stuffed animals stretched out, powertool guy began to “gut them” as an explosion of little white “animal stuffing” covered several rows of bewildered fans. This, of course, all occurred while the band played several more instant southern rock hits. But alas, all of these antics placed a distant second to the show stopper we were about to witness. Clem announced that he needed two female volunteers from the audience. One girl, who was standing beside us, gladly volunteered. I then took it upon myself to volunteer one of girls I was with. “Jen”, as we’ll call her, could have easily won the high school yearbook title of “Least likely to appear on stage with 8 drunkin’ southern rockers” which made the moment that much more entertaining. One of the guitarists then had the two girls hold opposite ends of his guitar so that he could play it as a slide guitar. This seemed straight foreword enough until the guitarist decided to loose all his clothes, quickly “warmed up”, and proceeded to play slide guitar with his cock. (Yes, you read that right. And again, there’s no possible way I could have made this up). All the same, I now know where the expression “rock out with your cock out” can be literally applied. Most of the night was basically a blur (and a side note) after that. Although, I do remember two of my concert-going companions getting on stage for the finale and slapping many a band-members ass like bongo drums (all in good taste, of coarse).

Now, if you’re lucky, you too might be able to see White Cowbell Oklahoma in a city near you. Throughout the month of July they’ll be travelling across Canada. If you’re not that fortunate, you can always watch and listen to the ‘Bell on their website or even order a piece of the magic (I suggest the “WHITE COWBELL OKLAHOMA COCK RAG (XTRA SOFT)”).